Quotes from Vegas

Compiled by Petch

Hal: (to Jamie, finally confirming gender) "Nice try, mister."

Francis: "Some idiot forgot to top off the oil in the tractor, and the whole damned engine blew."
Piama: "Well, whose job is that?"
Francis: "Mine. I'm telling you, this whole ranch is a disaster."

Lois: "What does Reese do to his underpants?"
Malcolm: "There's not enough money in the world to make me look up."

Malcolm: "Dad, you have weird dreams all the time. Like the singing trash cans."
Hal: "I never said that was prophetic. I said it was cool."

Dewey: "They called him a monster, then they called me a crime against nature. Maybe it was the other way around. All I remember is I was crying."
Reese: "You have to expect this kind of resistance when you're trying to play God."

Hal: "Las Vegas? What's in Las Vegas?"
Dewey: "A chance for Reese to make me look like a jerk in front of the entire country."
Hal: "Well, don't you worry, son. We won't miss that! Of course we'll go to Vegas!"

Reese: "Stop kicking me. I'll get to the news crew in a second."

Dream Hal: "So, Malcolm, what do you and your science have to say now?"
Dream Malcolm: "We say you're having another dream, Dad."
Singing Trash Cans: (musically) "Don't believe him. This is real. We wouldn't lie to yoooouuuu..."

Otto: "Can you hear me now?"

Lois: "I went through his wallet when we passed the state line. Let's see how much damage he can do with twenty dollars and a library card."

Judge: "In all my years of judging rabbits, this is the uncutest thing I have ever seen!"

Francis: "Don't you ever blink?"
Otto: "Maybe I blink at ze precise moment zat you blink!"

Lois: "The 'Bad Boone Rising' tour, were you there?"
Gladys: "I had floor seats when he had his first heart attack."

Otto: "If I wanted perfection, I would have hired a robot or a Swede."

Malcolm: (to Jamie) "Cry, scream, projectile vomit! Do something to get us out of here!"

Dewey: "Once again, we're very sorry about all the trouble we caused. I know there's no way we can make up for the broken tables. Or the paramedics. Or the fire. Or the guy that was really choking that nobody noticed."

Lois: "That's why I got to see your show. My son bought tickets to make it up to me."
Boone: "That's not an olive branch, that's the whole damn tree!"

Francis: "How did you find us?"
Piama: "We just followed the fire."
Francis: "What fire?"
Gretchen: "One of ze cows got through ze gate you didn't fix."
Piama: "And it knocked over one of the heat lamps you never took in."
Gretchen: "Which set fire to ze trail of gasoline from ze open can in ze back of your truck. Which, by ze way, also is on fire."
Otto: "Ah, you see, Francis? You thought you were a screw-up."

Dream Woman: "Congratulations, sir."
Hal: "What's this?"
Dream Woman: "It's a coupon for a two-night stay at the Carson City Breezeway Motel. All you have to do is listen to a four-hour presentation about a wonderful time-share opportunity."
Hal: "....Do they have slot machines in Carson City?"

Reese: "Okay, if I black out, pull my finger out of his mouth."

Malcolm: "Well, this trip wasn't a total loss. At least I.... (Boone Vincent music begins playing.) It was a total loss."