Quotes from Cattle Court
Compiled by Petch
Lois: "We can all thank Reese for the wonderful dinner he brought home from work."
Hal: "Way to go, son. And someday all that toner I keep bringing home from work will come in handy."
Dewey: "You people wonder why I wake up screaming all the time."
Reese: "Don't knock it. This is the stuff that keeps the cow from falling apart."
Hal: "Dewey, I wrote this in a blind panic in the hall closet while everyone was singing you 'Happy Birthday.' You're not going to hold me to this, are you?"
Reese: "This is on a dare, huh? If you have to touch me, I'm okay with that. But I have to approve any photographs."
Hal: "Where's the card that tells you your hemorrhoids aren't covered by your health plan, huh? Or would that not make a fun game?"
Malcolm: "Okay, so I lied and destroyed a man so I could go to a concert. I'll get him a T-shirt."
Carrie: "Hey, look at those gorgeous dogs!"
Reese: "Who gives a crap? (suddenly remembering his deceit) I mean, except us!"
Reese: "Get out of here, you mangy bastards!"
Carrie: "Oh, my God, is this bacon ?!?"
Lois: "What are you doing?"
Hal: "Trying to instill in Dewey those values sadly neglected by Mr. Milton Bradley and those cowardly Parker Brothers."
Dream Defendant Reese: "It's not my fault you're all so delicious!"
Dream Cow Judge: "You have been found guilty by a jury of your food. I sentence you to be lightly seared and served with a Cajun peppercorn sauce."
Hal: "You can't just quit when things gets touch. You have to grind it out day after day after day, to feed your kids, to pay your mortgage. That's how real life works. Unless, of course, you pull the 'suicide card.' But there's very few of those in the deck."
Craig: "I'm going to finally fulfill my dream of eating a Swedish pancake in every IHOP in America. It's only been twice, you know. And one of those was undocumented."
Malcolm: "I wasn't going to say anything until he got to the banjo stuff, but he'll be dead before sundown."
Lois: "Okay, this is the only universe this could possibly exist in. I'm ninety years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia, and I need someone to keep me from catching myself on fire. There's no money for a nurse, the kids won't do it, and I'm asleep twenty-two hours a day. Then, and only then, maybe could we be together."
Craig: "It's like you're reading straight out of my diary."
Dewey: "I've got to tell you, Dad. I really thought this was just going to be another one of your stupid, useless lessons, like the time you made us nurse that rabid squirrel back to health. But this one really worked. I can't believe it, but I really learned some valuable things about life and about how the world really works. Thank you."
Hal: (in sleep-deprived dementia) "That's loser talk! I am living in successful estates, while you are being buried in a piano box. In your face, drug addict!"