Quotes from Malcolm's Money

Compiled by Petch

Lois: (watching the cycle of contaminated faucet pour) "Four, three, two....brown....clear....brown again....good!"

Hal: "Son, a cork and a piece of string make a perfectly fine sun dial--and a great conversation piece with the ladies."

Reese: "At least when I worked in the slaughterhouse there were breaks every couple of hours to find guys' fingers."

Earl: "I get it, kid The T-shirt, the scowl....you're a tough guy. You're dangerous. I see that a lot with you scrawny ones."

Lois: "You want to know what time it is, Dewey? It's half past a roof over your head, clean clothes and three meals a day. That's what time it is."
Dewey: "Let me tell you something, Mom. The roof leaks, the clean clothes are hand-me-downs and the food stinks."
Lois: (pointing) "Room!"
Dewey: "Dirty!"

Hal: "I've never seen so many zeroes on that side of a decimal point."

Reese: "Look at all these people. Sitting there, just waiting for death."
Nick: "Yeah, I'd like to show those animals' rights whackos this place. This is exactly what would happen to cows if it wasn't for us."

Malcolm: "Don't blame me that you're a no-talent clown that couldn't even cut it at Sears."

Reese: (to a senior citizen in the media room) "Thanks for beating Hitler. Now, we're going to watch something else."

Hal: "Lois, I can honestly say that I was not a good father to Malcolm until I forged his signature on that check!"

Earl: "Look, kid, I'm making twenty cents a head, and re-shoots come out of my pocket. That adds up to I don't give a crap."

Hal: (over the phone, feigning a British accent) "Yes, hello, guv'ner. Is your Mum at 'ome?"
Malcolm: (to Lois, not fooled) "It's Dad."

Judith: "Drop the act, kid. I haven't lost my marbles. I just like seeing someone have some fun around here."

Lois: "Look, Dewey, you understand we're not stealing this money. Every cent is going back to Malcolm. We're, er, a bank."
Dewey: "Well, this bank is getting a Rolex. A big one."

Malcolm: "What did you to me? I look like a freak!"
Earl: "Kid, that's you. That's what you look like."

Lois: "Where have you been?"
Dewey: "School."
Hal: "That story'd better hold up, mister!"

Hal: "How do I know that this plumber's for real and not just some actor that you hired ?!?"
Lois: "Yeah, yeah, I held auditions while you were at work, Hal!"
Hal: "I knew it !!!"

Dewey: "I haven't trusted either of you since I was six!"

Mona: "You whore! You stole my husband!"
Judith: "No, I just used him without your permission and gave him back to you....just like someone did with my sewing machine."

Reese: "Old age is wasted on the old!"

Malcolm: "Let's see them call me a dork now."