Quotes from Hal Sleepwalks

Compiled by Petch

Lois: "If you have to, yell 'fire.' If that doesn't work, set one."

Hal: "So you just use the genius thing on yourself. Is that it, son?"

Dewey: "Chad, are you trying to make Coach Cleary burst into flames again?"

Zoe: "I feel like I'm in a dream! Except there isn't an armless scarecrow who can't stop crying."

Dewey: "I've got to admit, it's clever making Hanson and Zoe run for office. They're going to be humiliated. The only thing more humiliating will be losing to them."

Lois: "Listen to you. Something wonderful happens and all you can think about is how the world's going to take it away. You're growing up."

Kyle: "All those rumors you've heard are lies! I don't want to have school on Saturdays. I don't wear pull-ups."

Dewey: "See those kids over there? They're friends of Kyle's. On election day, it'd probably be better if they didn't vote."
Chad: "Okay. Why don't you go back inside. You don't want to see this."

Malcolm: "It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother."
Lois: "If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive."

Reese: "I'm willing to forget I ever saw this if you tell me everything you know about sleepwalking."

Hal: (over the phone) "Oh, please! Like the orphans would really see any of the money I would give you. Do you have an orphan there with you? Could I speak to one, please? I didn't think so. You know what, you people make me sick. Damn telemarketers!"

Chad: "Stop screaming at me! You're not my guidance counselor!"

Zoe: "I wonder how the voters would feel if they knew that Hanson likes to french-kiss his poodle. And I know, because dogs don't lie to me."

Malcolm: "Okay, stop it. God, I just spent two days of my life re-writing the Meow Mix song. I poured my heart into this. I actually got tears in my eyes writing it. How pathetic is that? I clearly have even less talent than you gave me credit for."

Hal: "Should we tell him the kid recovered from the tick bite and the trip to Europe's off?"
Lois: "No. Let him return the guitar first."

Reese: "I thought Malcolm was your favorite."
Trance Hal: "Ugh, the smart one scares me. You're normal. Like me."

Hanson: "It's time for everyone else to meet the Hanson that, until now, only the paramedics have seen."

Kyle: "What are you smiling at, Hooper? I'm not kidding, vote for me, damn it, just do it!"

Reese: "He's a good man. Treat him right. Oh, and don't make him drink out of the toilet. It's not as satisfying as you'd think."

Hal: "When you've been married as long as we have, it's like being psychic. I just know."