Quotes from Hal's Christmas Gift

Compiled by Petch

Reese: (mispronouncing "Picasso") "Heh-heh. Pick Ass Oh ???"

Malcolm: (regarding having "feelings"): "In our house, that's the F-word."

Dewey: "Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do--riding your bike through the graveyard with your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air hit another gravestone and landed in an open grave."
Reese: "Lying in that hole was surpringly peaceful. I no longer fear death."

Hal: "What else can we do? We're already doing no-electricity Wednesdays, lunch lotteries, family flush...."

Hal: "Six piles?"
Lois: "Five. Piama and Jamie can share."

Lois: "Excuse me. I know you didn't think anyone would catch you, but you just slammed your door into my car. The least you could do is say you're sorry, lady."
Woman: "You don't have to take that tone. It's not like I'm hurting your resale value."

Lois: (to Reese) "This is my one. My one to your eleven thousand !!!"

Hal: "You boys just don't appreciate the holidays. To you it's nothing but a disgusting orgy of materialism!"

Piama: "You said this house was Satan's trash can."
Francis: "You're quoting me out of context."

Malcolm: "Now they've got some lame third-grade secret handshake. I think I got half of it."

Hal: "Can you think of a Christmas reason for stopping somewhere I can sell blood."
Lois: "Oh, Hal, don't worry about it. It'll be okay. We just need to find something that's 1,000 times better than Disneyland, open on Christmas Day, and free."

Malcolm: "Why is this happening? I'm the brother everybody likes the best."
Francis: "What are you talking about? I'm the brother everybody likes best."
Malcolm: "I meant to the brothers who are still at home."
Francis: "....That's Dewey."

Reese: "The reason we exclude you sometimes is because you're a drag."

Hal: "You got fired from the ranch?"
Francis: "It turns out the ATM I was making all of Otto's deposits into wasn't an ATM. So sue me, right? Anyway, he's suing me."

Reese: "You coming, Malcolm?"
Malcolm: "You sure? I might accidentally talk about myself."
Dewey: "You mean like just now?"

Gas Station Owner: "Oh, my God! Are you okay?"
Hal: (feeling himself, disappointed) "Yes. Damn it."
Gas Station Owner: "Oh, thank Goodness! I don't have any insurance. We both dodged a bullet. After I sweep this up, you're gettin' wiper blades on the house!"

Lois: "Hal, they're good boys. They forgave you for Banjo Camp, they'll forgive you for this. And I will try sharing the blame with you, but honey, this has got your fingerprints all over it."

Dewey: "Malcolm has a credit card, and he bought your Christmas presents with it!"

Hal: "Lois, those are the exact things that make us great parents. If it wasn't for your anger and my recklessness, we wouldn't be on this amazing ski vacation, would we?"

Piama: "Francis, I want you to quit your job."

Francis: "Let's not even go back to that ranch. I'll call Otto in the morning, and if he doesn't understand, tough!"