Quotes from Malcolm's Job

Compiled by Petch

Lois: "Reese, since you've been mentioned six times by name in the security handbook, you have to look for a job somewhere else. But I want you in a paper hat by the end of the week."

Reese: "First paycheck, I'm buying this house and kicking them out."

Polly: "I have to make a quick call to the parole officer. Oh, don't worry, it's not about me. It's about one of my dads."

Nate: "Man, I'm so bored I can feel my own hair growing."

Dewey: "You were nice to Malcolm and Reese, but then you got kicked out before I was even old enough to know what was going on. So they got to have a good big brother and all I got was them!"

Mr. Young: "Now, we're going to have a lot of Lucky Aide fun today, but there's also a lot for our new trainees to learn....not to mention our employees who need a little refresher. What is this Feldspar, the fifth time?"
Craig: "We can call it that."

Albert: "So, what part of box flattening area don't you understand?"

Lois: "Honestly, Malcolm, where did you get the idea that a job is supposed to be fun?"

Hal: "Wow, how do they get the meat this tender?"
Reese: "Well, that's the thing about beef. Imagine you took Jamie and put him in a little box where he'd never see daylight. You don't let him move so his muscles don't get all tough. He's basically blind and you force-feed him nothing but milk. (baby-talking Jamie) That's what makes him taste so good."

Lois: "Hal, how did Jamie do in class today."
Hal: "Fine, I guess. For a kid who can't fill a diaper."

Dewey: "I'm like one wedgie away from an eating disorder."

Francis: "You gotta give him credit, you know. He got to the ranch all by himself. The first time you tried, you ended up in Mexico."

Malcolm: "Last night Mom accused me of being obsessive about getting written up. So I stayed up all last night thinking of a bunch of comebacks. And I even have potential comebacks to every possible comeback of hers."

Craig: (attempting to cover for Lois' smoking) "Lois, Lois, I just remembered you were holding my lit cigarette in your hand, and I wanted to thank you for holding onto my cigarettes. Which are mine."
Lois: (indicating Malcolm) "He knows."
Craig: "Oh. I think I left my register open." (scurries off)

Reese: "Why don't you just tell me how much you need."
Hal: "One hund...er, two. And another hundred."

Francis: "Dewey, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Sometimes people love people for no reason. Like Whoopi Goldberg. It's even weirder with brothers."
Dewey: "So, you're saying I'm the only one you're ever nice to?"
Francis: "Pretty much. You know, you have a real opportunity here. You can break the cycle. You can be a good brother to Jamie. You can be the one kid in this family who takes care of the younger one and looks out for him."
Dewey: "How is that fair?"
Francis: "Meh, you're right."

Malcolm: "Look, will you please just give me one thing? Please stop smoking."
Lois: "I already quit."