Quotes from Watching the Baby

Compiled by Petch

Polly: "I'm filing a restraining order against my sister. She thinks that just because she's been my boyfriend's first and third wife that she has some kind of claim on him."

Stevie: "Isn't that....the cat lady?"
Malcolm: "I guess. For a while she was the naked jogger. But mostly, she's just four bucks an hour."

Reese: (looking at limousine) "Oh, my God, I'll bet it has a toilet. Dibs!"

Craig: (snapping Polaroid of 'shoplifter' Hal) "Okay, now. Look ashamed."

Story Lois: "What do you two boys think you're doing?"
Story Malcolm: "We're sorry, Mom!"
Story Reese: "I'm stupid!"
Dewey: "....And the two stupid older brothers paid the price for their folly."

Sanjay: "Psst! What are in you in for?"
Hal: "Diapers."
Sanjay: "Another victim caught up in the evil net of Craig Feldspar."

Reese: "These girls want to fool around with us."
Malcolm: "Only because we're losers."
Reese: "Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers."

Story Lois: "Don't go near my closet."

Sanjay: "What does he have against Phil Collins ?!?"
Hal: "That bastard!"

Story Lois: "By the way, Dewey asked for ice cream again today. I told him we couldn't afford it."
Story Hal: (laughing maniacally) "Oh, I wonder what he'd do if he saw our ice cream helicopter."

Reese: "From now on, when I walk by, people are going to say, 'What happened to that guy's face?' And someone's going to say, 'That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Steponovich's girlfriend.' And that I can live with."

Story Hal: "Drinks, Francis!"
Story Francis-Bot: (robotic monotone) "You-are-the-worst-parents-in-the-world. You-undermine-my-confidence-at-every-turn. You-are-the-worst-parents-in-the-world."

Dewey: "And yet, as unbelievable as all of this was, it still didn't prepare them for the biggest surprise of all. The most incredible thing they'd ever seen....a pair of pants, his size, that had never been worn or handed down from an older brother. With no holes, no stains, no funny smells, no dead stuff in the pockets. He had to wear those pants...."

Craig: (over microphone) "Vernon, the hamsters have left the wheel! This is not a drill. The hamsters have left the wheel!"

Hal: "Congratulations, guys! Now, when he signs that confession, give him his clothes back."

Joanne: "Hey, Aaron! You think you're so special? Well, watch this. I'll kiss anything!"
Malcolm: "You don't have to do this, Reese."
Reese: "Hey, she's the one who's disgusted by this, not me."

Driver: "You know, kid, for a dumb-ass you've got heart."

Lois: "Oh, my God. Is that a newspaper diaper? What have you been doing here?"

Dewey: (to Jamie) "The moral of the story is that I'll screw you over in a heartbeat, the way my brothers do me. That's the way it works around here."

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