Quotes from Malcolm Holds His Tongue

Compiled by Petch

Reese: (after smacking himself on the head with a cabinet door) "Hey, Mom, I grew an inch!"

Francis: "You know, I could push for a more abject admission of your wrongness, but I'm going to be a bigger man. With better boots."
Piama: "Call me when you get tired of this."
Francis: "Could be late."

Craig: "Now I know why people look forward to weekends."

Alison: "You're the one who had his license taken away!"
Reese: "Because my public defender wouldn't even try the insanity defense."

Stevie: "We're....the same. We speak....before....we think."

Lois: "Maybe we should just take your towel away. And the next time you take a shower, you can just run around the back yard until you dry."
Malcolm: (sarcastic inner voice) "Gee, Mom, wouldn't the front yard be more humiliating?"
Malcolm: (real voice) "Sorry."
Lois: "And I don't want any....what did you say?"

Hal: "And the moral of that fable, son, is that turtles are pathological liars who won't give you their gold."
Dewey: "Got it."

Vince: "It's the best low-impact aerobic exercise ever invented, despite what you hear from all those Tai-Chi punks."

Hal: (race-walking for the first time) "Look at me! I can walk!"

Reese: "Dad, I swear to God, if you don't drive me, I will leave home forever. Or I'll never leave, whatever's worse. It's your choice, pal."

Hal: "So you can whip up some kind of scientific analysis of all this, right?"
Malcolm: (sarcastic inner voice) "Sure, I've got nothing better to do with the rest of my life."
Malcolm: (real voice) "Okay."

Craig: "Now, I want you to listen to this tape, and tell me whether you think it's better to go ELO-Kansas-Doobies, or Doobies-Kansas-ELO. I'm not telling you which one I'm voting for."

Hal: "Dewey, he's older, and he doesn't give me as much malarkey when I ask him for a favor."

Lois: "You know, you're not finished until you put those away and wipe down the counters."
Malcolm: (sarcastic inner voice) "Why don't I buff the floor and lick your shoes while I'm at it?"
Malcolm: (real voice) "Yes, ma'am."
Lois: "Look at me. Are you on drugs?"

Dewey: "That's it! I'm going to go read a book! I hope you're happy!"

Wheeler: "Apparently this man's a lot like you girls--you all can't get enough of looking at my backside."

Hal: "You are not a race walker at all. You're nothing but a common jogger."

Reese: (to Alison, regarding Craig) "Okay, don't freak out, I can handle this. My family kind of owns him."

Francis: (looking at his blistered feet) "If I hold out for a few days, maybe the fungus will eat the mushroooms."

Coach: "Malcolm, do you think you can follow my game plan?"
Malcolm: (demonic inner voice) "No, because you're a freakin' idiot! I hate you! I wanna kill you and dance on your shallow grave!"

Lois: "The doctor said you have the stomach lining of a sixty-year-old air traffic controller! You are a teenager, for God's sake. What do you have to be stressed about?"
Malcolm: (classic bitching) "For your information, I just spent the past three hours on a gurney next to a guy who was still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck! And the jackass who put in this I.V. couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy! There's only one channel on the TV! And what's this about a bedpan ?!?"

Craig: "I can't wait to see the look on my neighbor's face when I come strolling home after 11:00."

Back to episode info