Quotes from Future Malcolm

Compiled by Petch

Malcolm: "Let's face it. Everyone on this planet is a brain-dead, butt-scratching half-wit."
Stevie: "Bite....us."

Leonard: "Who wants to play? Eddie, come on, I'll tell you what. I'll hit myself in the head with a rock. It'll even it out."

Malcolm: "I also know how to counter a Nimzovich defense without leaving my queen's bishop wide open. Your whole left flank was Swiss cheese."

Hal: "Listen, son, I know you're worried about the baby coming, but you don't have to be. Yes, you're not going to the youngest anymore, and it is true the baby will get all of our attention for a quite a while, and you will have to do a lot more work around the house, and probably have to share the bedroom--"
Lois: "What your father is trying to say is there is no reason for you to be acting up like this. Now get this mess cleaned up! And the baby is not talking to you!"
Dewey: "It said you'd say that."

Leonard: "Who designed these damned cement benches, anyway? Probably some stupid civil servant who never made it through design class. Now he takes his frustrations out on the asses of the general public."

Francis: "Posing, as in naked?"
Piama: "Yes, we had this conversation."
Francis: "No, we haven't. I remember conversations that have the word 'naked' in them."

Lois: "So, this morning Dewey tried to go to school in his underwear, because apparently the baby doesn't like his wardrobe."

Hal: (lustily eyeballing Lois's plentiful rear end) "You look amazing to me....no matter how big and round and jiggly you get...."

Leonard: "Hey, Casey Kasem, why don't you do everybody a favor and turn that crap down?"
Man: "It's not loud."
Leonard: "I didn't say it was loud. I said it was crap."

Malcolm: "So, basically, the only human contact you have is playing chess with people who can't stand you?"

Otto: "See, I have captured ze confident power of your torso, ze sheer arrogance of your ass!"

Craig: (rips up Leonard's resume) "Forget this. You can't learn anything from a resume. So, tell me about your employment history."

Lois: "The baby did not tell you to drive the car!"
Dewey: "Well, it didn't exactly use the word 'car.' It called it a 'go machine,' but that's what it meant."

Reese: "Let me give you a little advice. You've got to ignore the voices. They're not on your side. And you never tell anyone about them, especially your teachers. They get panicky for no reason. You understand?"
Dewey: "I think so."
Reese: "Atta boy. You're gonna be okay." (begins pounding on Dewey in retaliation)

Francis: "What, there's no Camembert? You expect me to have my wine without any Camembert? That ruins my whole aesthetic!"
Gloria: "Francis--"
Francis: "Forget it. I'll work without cheese."

Craig: "You know, I like to think of Lucky Aide as a kind of family. And in this family, I'd be your father. And as a father, there might be things I might ask of you that don't make sense, but you do it because I'm your father. No sassing back, just do it, understand? Now, who are you in this family? Are you the second cousin, or maybe the kooky aunt?"
Leonard: (with great difficulty) "Well, you know, I've always kind of seen myself in the role of the younger brother. Eager to learn."
Craig: (sentimental, buying the ruse) "I never had a brother."

Dewey: "The baby says to turn around."
Lois: "What? (turns around, catches Hal pouring fattening syrup into her tea) ....Hal!"
Hal: (stammering lamely) "What, you don't take yours with maple syrup?"

Francis: "Someday you'll realize what you turned your back on, and you will curse yourself for your banality and your short-sightedness, but by then it will be too late, because I will be gone! Yes, gone! (walks out nude, only to return moments later after gales of laughter) Um, can I have my robe?"

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