Quotes from Monkey

Compiled by Petch

Dewey: "What would have happened if Reese didn't knock him out?"
Malcolm: "He would have seen our TV and stereo and known he made a terrible mistake."

Hal: "It's a good thing Reese got to him before I did."

Craig: "Plus, I can't sleep, knowing the mental trauma my cat suffers staying at Mother's. Then there's all the forehead-sticks I went through learning to go to the bathroom."

Eric: (scrubbing the upper section of the lodge grill, seconds before a mummified animal falls on Francis) "My God, when was the last time this thing was cleaned?"

Francis: "This is the worst job in the world! Why do we put up with this?"
Artie: "I don't know about you, but I'm still paying off law school."

Lavernia: "Okay, everybody clear out. You're all fired!"

Pete: "Well, I guess I'm gonna have to move back in with my parents."

Lavernia: "This is the circle of life up here. First they cut down the trees. Then the mining company strips the land. Then with any luck at all they turn whatever's left into a nuclear waste dump. It's the only way we're gonna wean ourselves from our unhealthy dependence on foregin oil."

Reese: "For the first time in my life, I know what my purpose is. I think I've found my calling. Mom, Dad....I want to be a pig."

Craig: (to Oliver) "Oh, you're like a furry little Geisha."

Ivan: "Only one fifteenth of your property is on tribal land."
Piama: "Forget it. We'll just live in the other part of the house."

Hal: (trying to entice potential robber at ATM) "Oh, damn! It's too dark to see my Rolex. No matter, I'll just take out the maximum amount and everything will be fine. Yeah, that ought to do it. Now, where did I park my Bentley?"

Malcolm: (to camera) "Well, I've been awake for a week straight. The first ninety-six hours were tough, but I really think I'm starting to get my second wind. Who needs sleep, anyway? Just a waste of time. They say that Thomas Edison only got like....well, he didn't....what was I talking about? Never mind."

Lois: "Craig, you're asking an animal with a brain the size of a piece of gum to run your household. Stop being paranoid."

Reese: (with Lois scaling a tree to catch him) "Officer in need of assistance! Repeat, officer in need of assistance!"

Piama: "Francis, I've been on this reservation my whole life. I don't know anything else. I'm just a hick. I'm not like you. I can't just pick up and start a new life whenever I need to. I'm not as brave as you, okay?"
Francis: "Brave? I'm not brave, I just didn't know any better.
Piama: "What?"
Francis: "If I had had any idea of how horrible it was up here, I never would have come. And I never would have met you. I'm not brave, I'm just stupid and lucky. And you're with me now, so my stupid luck will take care of you."

Hal: "Take that, you damned dirty helper monkey!"

Piama: "So, where do you want to go?"
Francis: "I don't know. All I know is we've got $2,000 left and a car pointed south."

Dewey: "Read it to me again, Dad."
Hal: "Okay, son. 'Local Man Subdues Monkey.' A disabled man was saved by a local hero, when he was...." (Dewey falls asleep)
Malcolm: "I can't believe it. Dewey's finally fallen asleep. I'm only eleven hours away from the World Record, so at least some good will come of...." (falls asleep)
Hal: (continuing reading) "....Experts say the Capuchin monkey can weigh up to nine pounds. 'He's a real hero,' said victim Craig Feldspar, age 36. 'A real hero.'"

Craig: "I always pictured an ending like this...."

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